That moment of hearing the coo of a newborn, seeing those rosy chubby cheeks, or smelling the familiar scent of baby detergent. It’s the biological longing to reproduce, engrained in the DNA of most females, and even some males. It’s the constant internal battle of instinct vs logic.
I envy my “one and done” mom friends. Or those who are 100% sure they’re done adding to their family. At times, I wish I felt that same closure of my reproductive years, just to end the back and forth of it all. But I also feel remorse for my friends still stuck in the trying to conceive community, striving hard at the goal of becoming mothers. How can I be so selfish to want a third child, when so many just dream of having one? I feel I may seem so ungrateful for the two perfectly healthy children I have.
The past year, it’s been a constant mental battle over me having another baby. Emotionally, I long for the positive test, the first kick, the repeat home VBAC experience, the first latch of breastfeeding, and the first ups in the ring sling of a newborn squishy baby (among so many other things).
Logically, I know that a third baby would make life for me and my husband a lot more complicated. The lack of freedom for me as an exclusively breastfeeding mother, even less time alone with my husband, one more child to possibly wake us up all through the night, and one more heartbreaking cry to make car rides unbearable. Would it truly be worth the added chaos?
Another thing that makes it hard to resist another baby is that I have extremely easy pregnancies. Both of them lacked morning sickness, one of the most common and miserable symptoms of a pregnant woman. I really don’t have many symptoms at all. I’m one of the “lucky ones” when it comes to carrying my children in my womb. I truly enjoy being pregnant, every bit of it. I feel that if it wasn’t so easy for me, maybe it would be easier to be officially done. To spare myself the misery of another 9-10 months nourishing a baby within myself.
Often at times I find myself weighing the pros and cons of having another child. The things that basically were the same when deciding on having a first or second one. My husband knows he would possibly like another baby in the future, but isn’t nearly as ready as I am for it. If he was on board for a third right now, then there would be nothing holding me back from it. I would gladly dive back into the world of trying to conceive and fertility meds. Both of our children were conceived thanks to medication to force me to ovulate. Which was needed due to my PCOS condition and long, anovulatory cycles. Deep down, I would love a surprise pregnancy. Not “planning” things and having to worry about ovulation tests or basal body temping.
There’s also the worry of a third birth for me. My first birth was very traumatic and ended in a unneeded csection. My second birth was a completely healing home VBAC that was amazing in every way. I worry that having a third birth may not go as planned and I could “ruin” the happy memories I achieved with my second birth. At the same time, I know that every birth is special in its own way and will be perfect however it unfolds. I’m confident that I can have another home birth, and if not, it’ll still be a beautiful moment of meeting my new baby.
I know that in 20 years, I would regret not having a third child. There’s a piece of our family that I feel is missing, one last spot to “complete” the Smith legacy. So at this point for us, it’s really more to the matter of “when”. Do we go ahead and have our third now, while the first two are young, getting the infant years out of the way? Or do we wait until they’re school age, starting over again from the beginning of infancy?
In the end, I feel it is a need for us to have another baby. And I will have the patience for us to do so when the time is right. Bringing a child into the world is best done as a team, and I will wait for my husband to be ready for it again.
Thanks for reading a piece of my heart.
– Wanderlust Momma Smith